Why are the guys on Hinge so cringe?
They say actions speak louder than words, but when it comes to dating apps, your opening message is sometimes all you have...
Hinge claims to be “the dating app designed to be deleted,” but I really think their tagline should be: “The dating app designed to make you depressed…”
Anyone who’s used Hinge or a similar app - even if for a brief amount of time - knows that online dating can be hilarious and entertaining, but also fucking bleak and exhausting. I’ve been using apps on and off since late 2013. I went on my first date at 25 when Tinder was a shiny new toy that singletons quickly became obsessed with.
I can’t remember the last time I used that specific app - I think it was in 2021 during a holiday to Spain, where I ended up meeting one of my closest male friends after going on a random date with him in his hometown of Logroño. He is genuinely like family to me now, so I guess online dating isn’t all bad.
I currently have profiles on both Hinge and Bumble - but I barely use the latter, and it’s probably because I - as the female - have to make the first move and send a message to matches. I simply never know what to say, and despite being a writer for a living, I don’t think I’ve got the gift of the gab when it comes to that all-important opening message.
Earlier this year I was at a mate’s birthday dinner in Manhattan and was shocked when a friend of hers told me that she’d been on something ridiculous like 300+ dates in 2023. But I was even more stunned to find out that her opening line to matches on Bumble is: “Hey big dick!” Now, I’m no prude - but that made even me blush. Okay, maybe not - but I was quietly cringing for her…
It got me thinking about the opening messages I’ve received from men via Hinge since I moved to NYC and the giggles I’ve had with my girls when I send them yet another screenshot of someone who’s ‘liked’ me.
Perhaps I should set the scene and share my current Hinge profile prompts and pics. I have a total of six photos on display - the oldest is from May 2022 and the most recent was taken in June of this year. Yes, the majority of them are filtered but at least I’m not posting decade-old snaps (like some people do).
Two of the pics include me enjoying an alcoholic beverage - best to be upfront about my interests from the get-go - and another one is a selfie with the one and only Ziggy Stardust, which was taken in March 2023 at a David Bowie exhibition in Madrid.
However, that’s not the only mention Bowie gets on my profile. Duh!
Hinge gives users a variety of prompts to choose from - I guess to give potential matches an idea of who you are, your personality, your interests blah blah blah. These range from “Dating me is like…” and “This year, I want to…” to “Ask me anything about…” and “I want someone who…”
Here are my current Hinge prompts (which have remained the same since I moved to NYC in June 2023):
First round is on me if… you’ll drink an espresso martini
I won’t shut up about… David Bowie
Teach me something about… life in NYC
Now, if someone feels the need to give David Bowie a shout-out not once, but TWICE, on their dating app profile, chances are they’re a huge fan, no? But it seems that some guys still can’t put two and two together. Not only have I been asked by various dudes if I’ve watched the film Labyrinth (I take that as a personal insult by the way), but one guy actually said: “Do you like the song Ashes to Ashes?”
Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh here. I guess they’re just trying to start a conversation and at least they’ve bothered to take note of my profile, but I almost threw my phone out of the window a few months ago when one twat replied to my NYC prompt and claimed: "We all think David Bowie is mid here." Needless to say, I did not match with him.
Another match I refused was a guy who replied to my espresso martini prompt and suggested: "If you force feed it to me because I hate coffee, but enjoy the challenge of trying not to be force-fed." Is that a fetish or something?!
A different guy combined cocktails and Bowie: “Kirsty, you should have a higher bar than that. Espresso martinis are tasty. I'm not gonna let you pay for the 1st round just for my willingness to have one. Btw, stupid question: Did you see the 80s movie, Labyrinth?" URGH.
By the way, I think it’s very kind when men want to pay for all of the drinks on a first date, but I always prefer to split the bill - or do rounds, which appears to be somewhat of an alien concept in New York City because they love a fucking tab.
A couple of other messages I’ve received in response to my NYC prompt include: "It's horrible - the city is dead,” (loving his positivity) and "After 13 years, I can honestly say I love NYC, but every single thing about NYC pisses me off,” - I can totally relate to that second one and I’ve only lived here for 15 months.
Of course, men also like to comment on my appearance when sending their opening messages and this is where it gets proper cringy…
“Is it tiring being so good looking?”
“You look like a great time!, and someone famous.”
“Hey beautiful, we making it off this app together or what?”
“Good morning, has anyone told you that you are gorgeous?
“You look like you pick your ice cream flavor with confidence.”
"You're radiant. May I apply for the position of loving, stable and emotionally mature boyfriend."
“You are absolutely gorgeous babygirl. I would like to get to know you and treat you like the queen that you are.”
“You look like freakin Peggy Bundy!!! I consider that a compliment, don’t hate me!” FYI she’s a sassy housewife in the TV series Married With Children.
I’m beginning to think this filter does make me look like Peggy Bundy…
Other men try to be more imaginative but send identical messages to various women. A few months ago, my friend and I realized that we’d matched with the same guy in Brooklyn and he’d sent us the same opening message, but just swapped our names out. LOL.
“I was trying to send you this message and the cop pulled me over. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I’m on Hinge and trying to find a date. He said I better get your #.”
“I couldn't help but be drawn to your profile. as your captivating smile and genuine energy caught my attention. It's refreshing to come across someone who radiates positivity and warmth. It would be an honor to know you. Wow.”
Another dude combined my appearance with an offer to teach me about NYC while enjoying cocktails (no mention of Bowie):
“It would be my pleasure... w some espresso martinis in-between (I just hope you're not all like peeved about the height difference... bc I've never been afraid of some long legs.”
Perhaps the funniest opening message I’ve ever received was earlier this year when a guy said: “Absolutely jealous of your heart cause it’s pumping inside you and I’m not.” Needless to say, I did not match with him.
Like I said earlier, Hinge is fucking depressing. Every time I browse TikTok, I see a gazillion new videos of women who are at their wit’s end using dating apps - and many seem to be giving up on dating altogether, and quite honestly, I don’t blame them.
Yes, meeting a potential partner online has become the norm for many people, but I wonder how much longevity these apps have - especially as we’re all trying to make a conscious effort to spend less time on our phones?!
There have been many times when I’ve deleted my accounts on Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder over the years because I’d rather live in ignorant bliss than be reminded of how many weird men there are in the world.
In fact, since I started writing this post, I’ve actually deleted my Bumble account - and I’m very close to getting rid of Hinge too. I cannot be arsed to engage in mundane conversations with men who I’ll probably never meet. Quite frankly, I’d rather spend my time watching another episode of Sex and the City…
Ciao for now!
Thirsty Kirsty (Peggy Bundy) x